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Apr. 8th, 2025 09:22 pmHAHAHAHHA. I haven't posted in a while, hs has been fine. Don't take anything in this entry seriously I'm prolly being dramatic I'm in a shit headspace rn and feel like I'm losing it.
It wasn't a bad day today. I think maybe I'm just stressed and it's all about to explode. Today was very good actually kinda. One very stressful bad thing happened, but everything else has been really enjoyable. Idk, i just need to write my thoughts down somewhere do I can look back at this and be like,"LOL I WAS SO SILLY, I'M WAY BETTER NOW!!!" I don't even have trauma, my parents are great and i love them very much, i have 2 wonderful sisters, I have the freedom to pursue the career I want despite it not being the best paying or stable. I have it so good, so why do I still have moments like this where I just feel like shit. What is wrong with me. I haven't even reached adulthood yet, but I'm littered in stress. I need to get it together or I might just end up losing it. I need to keep it together I don't want to lose it all. Whatever.
I really want a best friend. People look so happy with their besties. Maybe I'm just not made to have one. I mean, I've got serious commitment issues. Everytime I make a friend online we lose contact after a while. It's not their fault. I always cut them off. I'm too scared to be hurt by them or to be ghosted by them, so I just do it first. It's cruel, i feel bad, but I just can't handle it. I want a best friend who wouldn't care if I woke them up in the middle of the night to go on a walk. I want a best friend who would join me in all my endeavors. I want a friend who will keep in contact with me even if I make the mistake of ghosting them. I want to be friends with someone who would be willing to walk into a lake with me, but would help pull me out before I die. I want someone who would take care of me when I'm at my worst and so me from throwing it all away. I'm not a good enough person to give back to someone like that. Someone like that is too good for me. I don't know how to be a good friend. I'm realist it's a fact. I shatter people's dreams and aspirations in favor of telling them the truth. I do it without realizing. Sometimes I can't hold my tongue and ruin a friendship before I even realize what I said.
Am I gay? I think men are very attractive sometimes, and women are superr attractive. I can't imagine being close and cuddly and touchy with a guy, but I also can't imagine doing it with someone other than a guy, or anything other than a pp in general. Idk. My friend kinda gave me a day panic today because she's the prettiest goth girl ever with the softest hair ever. I'm nowhere near as pretty as her, and i have absolutely ZERO fashion sense.
Maybe I'll actually be able to think tmmr morning.
It wasn't a bad day today. I think maybe I'm just stressed and it's all about to explode. Today was very good actually kinda. One very stressful bad thing happened, but everything else has been really enjoyable. Idk, i just need to write my thoughts down somewhere do I can look back at this and be like,"LOL I WAS SO SILLY, I'M WAY BETTER NOW!!!" I don't even have trauma, my parents are great and i love them very much, i have 2 wonderful sisters, I have the freedom to pursue the career I want despite it not being the best paying or stable. I have it so good, so why do I still have moments like this where I just feel like shit. What is wrong with me. I haven't even reached adulthood yet, but I'm littered in stress. I need to get it together or I might just end up losing it. I need to keep it together I don't want to lose it all. Whatever.
I really want a best friend. People look so happy with their besties. Maybe I'm just not made to have one. I mean, I've got serious commitment issues. Everytime I make a friend online we lose contact after a while. It's not their fault. I always cut them off. I'm too scared to be hurt by them or to be ghosted by them, so I just do it first. It's cruel, i feel bad, but I just can't handle it. I want a best friend who wouldn't care if I woke them up in the middle of the night to go on a walk. I want a best friend who would join me in all my endeavors. I want a friend who will keep in contact with me even if I make the mistake of ghosting them. I want to be friends with someone who would be willing to walk into a lake with me, but would help pull me out before I die. I want someone who would take care of me when I'm at my worst and so me from throwing it all away. I'm not a good enough person to give back to someone like that. Someone like that is too good for me. I don't know how to be a good friend. I'm realist it's a fact. I shatter people's dreams and aspirations in favor of telling them the truth. I do it without realizing. Sometimes I can't hold my tongue and ruin a friendship before I even realize what I said.
Am I gay? I think men are very attractive sometimes, and women are superr attractive. I can't imagine being close and cuddly and touchy with a guy, but I also can't imagine doing it with someone other than a guy, or anything other than a pp in general. Idk. My friend kinda gave me a day panic today because she's the prettiest goth girl ever with the softest hair ever. I'm nowhere near as pretty as her, and i have absolutely ZERO fashion sense.
Maybe I'll actually be able to think tmmr morning.
