HAHAHAHHA. I haven't posted in a while, hs has been fine. Don't take anything in this entry seriously I'm prolly being dramatic I'm in a shit headspace rn and feel like I'm losing it.

It wasn't a bad day today. I think maybe I'm just stressed and it's all about to explode. Today was very good actually kinda. One very stressful bad thing happened, but everything else has been really enjoyable. Idk, i just need to write my thoughts down somewhere do I can look back at this and be like,"LOL I WAS SO SILLY, I'M WAY BETTER NOW!!!" I don't even have trauma, my parents are great and i love them very much, i have 2 wonderful sisters, I have the freedom to pursue the career I want despite it not being the best paying or stable. I have it so good, so why do I still have moments like this where I just feel like shit. What is wrong with me. I haven't even reached adulthood yet, but I'm littered in stress. I need to get it together or I might just end up losing it. I need to keep it together I don't want to lose it all. Whatever.

I really want a best friend. People look so happy with their besties. Maybe I'm just not made to have one. I mean, I've got serious commitment issues. Everytime I make a friend online we lose contact after a while. It's not their fault. I always cut them off. I'm too scared to be hurt by them or to be ghosted by them, so I just do it first. It's cruel, i feel bad, but I just can't handle it. I want a best friend who wouldn't care if I woke them up in the middle of the night to go on a walk. I want a best friend who would join me in all my endeavors. I want a friend who will keep in contact with me even if I make the mistake of ghosting them. I want to be friends with someone who would be willing to walk into a lake with me, but would help pull me out before I die. I want someone who would take care of me when I'm at my worst and so me from throwing it all away. I'm not a good enough person to give back to someone like that. Someone like that is too good for me. I don't know how to be a good friend. I'm realist it's a fact. I shatter people's dreams and aspirations in favor of telling them the truth. I do it without realizing. Sometimes I can't hold my tongue and ruin a friendship before I even realize what I said.

Am I gay? I think men are very attractive sometimes, and women are superr attractive. I can't imagine being close and cuddly and touchy with a guy, but I also can't imagine doing it with someone other than a guy, or anything other than a pp in general. Idk. My friend kinda gave me a day panic today because she's the prettiest goth girl ever with the softest hair ever. I'm nowhere near as pretty as her, and i have absolutely ZERO fashion sense.

Maybe I'll actually be able to think tmmr morning.

I took a lil break bc I'd been working a lot and just ended up forgetting- 
I LOVE MUSIC SO MUCH AHGGG
I'm gonna pursue a job in science and I love sharing my cooking with others BUT MUSIC IS MY PASSION!!

(Listening to Rhapsody in Blue)



This kinda came out of nowhere- (I had a post but I forgot to save in a document and it ended up UNSAVING (っ˘̩╭╮˘̩)っ I might remake it someday)

I joined a symphony for the summer AND OMG IT IS SO MUCH FUNNN!! There's not much actually made to be fun like games and stuff I just love music lol. Most days it is just practice my harp with or without a teacher and then choose a class for an hour then rehearse for 2 hours but i just lovee it. (This is prolly the worst my grammer has been in a while lol im rlly happy rn and its been a while) 

There are 3 songs we are playing:
Borodin - Polovtsian Dances

Thomas Whitman - (An untitled piece that we get to name)

Then some lord of the rings song idk by who tho

Borodin - Polovtsian Dances
 
I love this song so much it is sooo much fun to play. I mess up while playing the chords but there is ANOTHER HARPIST WITH MEE. I was kinda worried I'd be alone but nope there are gonna 2 harpists (including me) playingg. We work together so if one person messes up it is not the end of the world! We have a lot of rest so I like to just admire the music while waiting to play again. (listening to Jazz Suite, Waltz No. 2 - Shostakovich) The best parts are the allegro vivo and allegro. UGH I JUST CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF IT!!!

At the beginning of the Allegro vivo there is a fantastic Clarinet solo with really nice viola in the background. It is such a nice start! Then more instruments join, with the piccolo adding to the clarinet's solo and the double reeds bringing a new layer to the section. After 18 measures the strings join in playing the same melody as the clarinet with the tambourines adding a steady pulse in the background. It adds so much energy to the section with it's magnificent sound and quick tempo. Then finally! The brass and woodwinds bring it all together! suddenly gets quiet again with many instruments dropping out as the clarinet takes turns with the violins with their rhythms. Some small solos are done by the horn and oboe before the music gradually gets louder... and quicker... then BAM! A strong ending note done by most of the symphony. A strong finish to this section!
 (just a note I forgot to finish writing this so everything after this is from 2 months later)

Thomas Whitman - Counter Clockwise (sep 7, 7:10pm)
 
I'm honestly not the biggest fan of this song, but it's really cool and interesting. Sometimes during the second week the composer of this song showed us his process on how he wrote this and his inspiration. The song was written as a gift for our symphony because he was a teacher for our conductor. I don't remember much, but he got inspiration from Picasso's "bull head". He also went travelling and heard some music from the locals which was very different to all the music i've heard. It was a little odd at first, but after a while a melody started to form and what sounded like a steel pan drum thingy created a melody. In the actual song he wrote the english horn played that melody. The violins played a phrase very often too, and everytime they played it the marimba played the same thing a measure after. It was really cool. The rythms were really odd and the entire things was just a very strange piece which was very cool, but just not my thing.

Idk - Lord of the Rings 

I really liked this song but I didn't have apart in it so I just watched from the side of the stage. I've never seen the lotr trilogy, but the music is really great. One of my friends got decided to come see the music because he liked lotr and that made me really happy because most of my others friends didn't really care much for orchestra. 

I forgot - Minor Forty-Niner

I HATED THIS SONG. THE MUSIC WAS GREAT BUT UGHHH.
The song was originally created for one of the younger orchestras to play, but it was too hard for them so they just made us (The cool institute big kids) learn it TWO DAYS BEFORE THE SHOW. It was made for younger kids so it wasn't that hard for the others, BUT the institute was the only symphony with harps so the guy decided to write a harp part super fast. The guy who wrote the song was the teacher of the composition class that I attended, and he was a really cool guy, but he seriously underestimated how difficult it is for harps to sightread. The music was way to difficult for us to learn in one day! He had to give it to us late since he didn't have a part for us and I could not play it. It was a really cool song with a bunch of classic popular songs but tuned into a minor key, but I didn't play a single note because it was just so weird and difficult to play.


Overall the symphony I joined over the summer was one of the best things I had ever joined for summer vacation. It was a really fun experience and I definitely plan on attending next year. I was a great 2 weeks and I really got a taste of what real orchestra was like. This was wayy back in july and band camp started the next week so I'd like to see it as the grand finale to my summer break.

I'm going to try and start posting here again. I'll start uploading unfinished post so that they don't unsave or stay in the drafts forever.

<3
-Snarzzy

 This is just a quick update to my journal cause it is morning and I'm bored in class. Music stuff is at the end cause I love music.

I went to a girl scout camp over the weekend and it was fun. I will get into the detail later when my heads not hurting. 

How can I go to bed at 5 in the morning after being on my phone and wake up good at 7 am, but when I work on homework till 3 am and go straight to bed I wake up terrible. This is not the first time, but when this happens it is the worst. My head hurt so much and I am so tired.

Music time :)

I got my all state music for next school year and it is super difficult!!! I have never played professional music before so it is a little spooky and fast. I also got my solo for next year omg... I PRACTICED IT ONCE AND IT IMMEDIATELY SHREDDED MY THUMB AND GAVE ME A BLISTER ON 3 FINGERS!! It was fun but definitely will take lots of practice over the summer. Anyway just wanted to write this in before I forget

I'm just trying to finish the year at this point. I am getting all my work done in class again (THANK GOD) so now I just need to find time where I can do the difficult, time consuming work (｡•́︿•̀｡) This week I haven't gotten more than 4 hours of sleep each night, so I'ma go bed at 9 and sleep around 11. Hopefully I sleep in and don't accidentally wake up at 8 am (˃̣̣̥⌓˂̣̣̥ )

I'm not happy (I don't think) but my mood feels oddly positive :)

As much as I like to read and write fan works I despise writing essays. There is a program that most people go into after leaving my school and it has a strong focus on writing and creativity. I had to join another program because I am not the most creative person on earth and I am the WORST at essays. My teacher says I'm a great writer and my friends agree, but the essays at school are so boring and VERY draining. The problem is I end up putting them aside and doing them last minute making it harder to manage new assignments that I could've done. I don't really like using AI on work, but for these assignments I get desperate. I don't directly copy and paste what  AI gives me although it would be so much easier that way. Instead I paraphrase it and change it up into something I would more likely write. It is more of a base for ideas rather than the answers to my problems.

Reports cards are soon and my parents are going to have my head on a stick if I don't get it tf together. I can hear my brain trying to tell myself 'It's fine, It's not your fault, You just missed some school days' BUT I KNOW DAMN WELL IT IS BECAUSE MY TERRIBLE SELF CONTROL AND PROCRASTINATION. I know I can fix this but I just don't and in the end it's gonna suck. Even now I am procrastinating by writing this. 

The school year is coming to an end and I have a bunch of new music for auditions, to develop a repertoire, for performances, and even some competitions. So much is going on!! (ಥ﹏ಥ) I'm really excited for all of this new stuff, but I know damn well unless I get my grades up, I'm fucked. If I don't pass I can't participate in anything!!

To make matters worse, It's exam season! After the eclipse on Monday there's a STAAR TEST!! Everyone hates that test, from the teachers to the students. I'm sure i'll do fine but I'm still a little worried.

I am revisiting a playlist I haven't listened to science the 6th grade and I think it will bring be back into focus as long as I have both earbuds in. I have always had a liking for classical music but honestly I have had an interest in electronic music longer. I was going through a really dramatic and tough time in 6th grade with a bunch of new changes and a new fast paced lifestyle. The music calmed my nerves with the way it itched my brain. I just kinda zone out and next thing you know the work is finished. 

 I definitely think I can recover from my slump, for I have gained some motivation to actually do work with the help of my friends. I like the fact you can change icons in your journal. I change it based on my mood ≧◉◡◉≦

I have only been to my afternoon classes once or twice this week because I keep on being busy!! Yesterday I cooked in my human services class and it was so fun!! We went to a food lab in the school and made pancakes first. They were actually so soft and yummy; it was perfection! ≧ω≦ After we made a type of 'Chex Mix' but better! It had the rice & corn squares, some other chex thing, cheez-its, and pretzels covered in a buttery sauce with spices then put in the oven for a good 30 minutes. It had no reason being SO YUMMY!!1! We also made cookies but... THE PEOPLE COOKING THAT MEAL FORGOT BAKING SODA  AND SALT!!!! They tasted questionable but I still ate them all lol. We also made pizza but I don't really like pizza, so I made the salad and didn't help much after that. ჴ˘ര‸രჴ My fav part of cooking all day was missing all the hard work in classes and being able to relax and take a break. Eating breakfast with my friends and food we cooked from scratch was awesome and made me really happy :)

Some times I wish I was less busy, but last time I had too little my mom didn't like and wanted me to get involved. She thinks I'm doing to much now and honestly I agree, but I can't help it. Everything I do is fun or something that will benefit me in the future. I didn't have anything today so I could focus on my homework for today and the work I missed yesterday. I have a band competition tomorrow and I think we will do just fine. We are one of the top bands in the district so I feel rather prideful about our playing (even if behavior is less than ideal ╮(╯∀╰)╭ ) I get to leave my classes early tomorrow for said competition then afterwards we get to go to nice shopping district for a few hours. My mom is picking me up right after the concert so I can't shop unfortunately, but it's not like I had any band friends to hang out with anyway.

I feel oddly happy right now but i'm not complaining. I got a ton of hw done while listening to one of my fav pieces of music. Because I'm so busy the only time I'm on my phone is any free time I get or time spent procrastinating. I read fanfics on ao3 all night (until I fall asleep at least) or watch yt videos so my days aren't completely all work no play.

For my orchestra we are playing an arrangement of a song so I decided to listen to it on yt  AND OMG I KINDA LOVE IT. My orch is only playing the second movement of the piece but it still sounds incredible! The song is called 'Scheherazade' by Rimsky-Korsakov and it just sounds incredible. I am playing 'The Kalander Prince' and I'm so excited to hear how it sounds finished. There is a section in "The Sea and Sinbad's Ship' AND IT IS JUST (˃ᆺ˂) WOW! It features an awesome call and response section between the violin and the clarinet. (I think) I have been listening to it on repeat. Even now after I'm finished with my hw for today writing this at 00:12 I am listening to it :)

 It's raining and I like it.

Hi, this is my first entry on this website. I only found out about it a while ago on a Reddit post on r/ao3 and overall it does not seem that bad. It certainly takes some getting used to, but overall looks pretty good.

I didn't do much all day to be honest I just-   Recently I have been underestimating how busy I've been and need constant reminders from those around that I do too much and need a break. 

Today I went to school with my usual routine sorta. My first period teacher was cooking with one of the human services classes the whole day, so we didn't really do much. My 2nd, 3rd & 4th periods were boring (I've got hw for them, but I'm procrastinating). 5th period was mostly running through band pieces for an event in the afternoon, leaving class early so I could go to Orchestra (they share the same class period just different lunches) and running through more pieces. 6th & 7th didn't have anything going on. 8th was pretty fun as per usual. We didn't have much going on so I just did the work then hung out playing video games. 

After school we had this thing where we showed off our Fine Art departments and stuff, so I had the choice of either playing with the band or the orchestra. I have more friends in Orchestra than in Band but we don't sound nearly as good, so I was kinda conflicted. There was practically 2 hours between when school ended and when the 'concert' started, so I made the decision of eating and hanging out with the orchestra before the event and then joining the band to preform. 

The event ended up ending at 8 and I was exhausted after playing for a full 3 hours straight, but in the end it was fun. Here I am at 00:04 finishing this off instead of doing my, now late, homework. I'm listening to a bunch of orchestral classical type pieces of music while writing this and they sound pretty cool. Currently the best part of the piece I'm listening to is, 'Jupiter, Bringer of Jollity.'

I don't normally write this much in my physical journals so this was nice.